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And in my dreams, you're alive and you're crying..

Jul 7, 2007
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I haven't been feeling so great lately, a lot of shit that I used to deal with is coming back. I don't really want to get personal but I think it's fairly obvious what it's about. I've been moody and cranky for the past 2-3 weeks, I don't want that. I want to be happy and upbeat like I used to be, things are surely changed. I'm going to try and make the best out of situations from now on. I usually make myself miserable being at home and doing nothing all day, I have to deal with my family that just nags about nothing important, at all.

I feel like ever since I've gained 40 pounds (since my lowest weight) everyone is judging me and saying how disgusting I look. My cousin recently said to me "why don't you go to the gym anymore?" *dirty ass stare* I always feel like I'm uncomfortable in my own skin. I hate going out because I have no clothes that fit me correctly, and if they do I feel huge wearing a size 7-9 jeans when I used to be a size 0-1. I know my body is growing and maturing but it's putting a damper on my self esteem. Even if I did get down to a size 3/4 jeans and weighed whatever I wanted to, I would still feel shitty, just because that's how I am. It's not fair to say I have an eating disorder, I have really fucked up eating patterns due to my low self esteem, I eat too much when I feel shitty or don't eat at all. But I do know, for a fact, I feel great after a great work out and lifting session. I should definitely get my ass back to the gym, just to feel better.

Anyways, I've been thinking I need something to change around this shitty house. I think the best thing we could do is get another pet. I mean, yeah sure, a new couch would be nice but animals have a personality, make you happier and feel better. I want a guinea pig, I used to have one. She was great, she was so alive and energetic. I'm going to convince my parents to get one. It'd be a great thing to lighten the mood of this place, seriously. It'd be a reason I would go home, to see my guinea pig. I will pay for everything, including it's food and housing. I'd take care of it, not parents needed. I did my research and learned from past mistakes with my other baby, so why the hell not?!

As for my rest of the summer, I'm planning not to get a job, lol. I want to relax and de-stress this summer. I'll end up just reading a lot and watching a lot of horrible talk shows, I can't wait. My family is planning to STILL go to Bermuda, but probably by early August. My sister has to get a bunch of shit for when she starts school at Boston University at the end of August. I'm excited for her going off, she's going to be in a better place and I'm happy for her. I'm probably going to visit her early Thursdays during the school year, just grab a train into Boston and meet her for lunch.

Alright, I'll update probably later. I have a lot of things to say.

Whoops.

Jul 2, 2007
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    My err, diet was supposed to start yesterday. I had a graduation party I attended, and uh, ate so fucking much. So hey! Lets start again today. It's easier seeing how it's a Monday and I can get things together. I'll start my 365 Day project today as well. I'm heading back to the gym tonight after I charge my iPod.
    So I've decided to stop drinking for a while, I think it's best for me and everyone around me. I end up doing stupid shit I regret and I'm really just digging a deeper hole for myself. Granted, I do have fun, but I can have fun without being pisser drunk. Last night I drank a fair amount, I remember most of it. I ended up sleeping over my sister's friends house, lol. It was cool though, I guess. I met a really cute boy named Matt last night, lol. He left like 15 minutes after we talked, he said "aw, I feel bad. I'm leaving and I just met you." I'm like O OK *gropes* ok not really. But he really was adorable. I smell like smoke from the fire last night, it's almost nauseating.
    I bought 2 books the other day, Slaughterhouse Five and Go Ask Alice. I decided I don't want to be half-retarded all summer so I should catch up on my reading. I've actually heard 2 people compare Slaughterhouse Five to Jacob's Ladder, one of the only movies that I actually enjoyed and encourage people to watch, so I'm looking forward to get started with the reading.

Beneath the wormwood, ooh love me so good.

Jun 29, 2007
3 comments

What's the best text message you've ever gotten?
"I left my pee in your room. Are you banging Joe?"
Yes, I'm in love with Bri.

Ok, I've figured out a part of my overeating for the past week. I finally got my period back, I had not had it since October before today. My strange eating habits and exercising habits did not really help at that time, and it's finally back. *big sigh*
Anyways, my girl Iesha suggested that I do the 365 days on Flickr to show my weight loss progress. I will definitely start doing this Sunday (July 1) until next July 1! I'm so excited. I know I'll end up missing a few days, but it will overall motivate me enough. I plan to start up some form of exercise routine starting Monday. My whole cleaning up the diet is going to start hopefully tomorrow, which means I need to make a list tonight! I have a graduation party on Sunday, so hopefully she'll have some healthy foods, not just cookies. LOL. The party is from 6 pm - 3 am so I know I'll be hungry, maybe I'll just bring some fruit, or my own dish.

Hey babies

Jun 28, 2007
4 comments

Ok. So let's pretend I didn't attempt the liquid diet. I ended up eating pasta, lmao. I have no idea why I've been eating in huge amounts, boredom? I have no clue. I need to stop it though, I can't afford to gain anymore weight. I'm trying to not be obsessed about it, but I'll figure out some meal plans and just follow them. I need to suck it up and just do it! (~Iesha) seriously, I do. LOL. Suck it up, puta! I'm probably going to check out some personal fitness blogs for inspiration. Suggestions?
Moving along! I want to have a pool party probably next Friday. I have no idea why, I just love parties. The last graduation party was pretty intense, lol. No drinking vodka, ever again. I want there to be lots of music and drinks! I think my family is going to buy a grill so I can grill up some veggies and veggie burgers. Hmm, I want a lot of people to go but I know my parents won't agree. Grr. I'm telling people it's a "straight edge" party, lmfao. Yeah right.

Ok my head hurts. Byeee<3

And when our city vast and shitty falls to the Ashes

Jun 27, 2007
3 comments

The pictures are my ideal body, it can obviously be reached since it's mine. LOL.

    I actually ended up eating too much than I had intended. I decided to flush out my body with all those gross foods I've been eating, on a liquid diet. It'll include water, diet soda, juices, and carnation instant breakfast. Hehe. I just want to get rid of the shit in my body then I'll start my real dieting plans on Monday.

    I'm always changing trying to change up my looks, lol. I like changes, it makes things more interesting. My next project is to finish my 2nd hole on my left ear, and by July I'll hope to have done my 3rd holes. My mother agreed to me getting my industrial pierced, most likely she'll take me herself.

    As for my hair, I tried to dye it blond but that didn't work out well. I'm actually going to attempt to dye it a platinum blond tomorrow. Then, I'm going to streak it with dark brown, auburn, and most likely a cherry-like color. I bought got2b crazy sleek treatment for hair straightening, so I won't look more of a crack head.

    So lately, my mind has been wandering, about Halloween. LMAO. I have no idea why, I'm probably just going to a party with my sister and cousin but I love everything about it, and autumn. I think, again, the changes. The gorgeous leaves, the crisp air, and the start of school are a transition from a hot, relaxed summer. I hopefully will also be going into Salem, as tradition.

    Anywho, I have to go get some more soda, and relax. Have a good one bbys<3